Archive for November, 2011
There have been thousands, probably tens of thousands books, CDs, movies, and workshops designed to make a man into a masterful lover. Most men think they are great lovers and rate themselves with high marks while their heterosexual partners would rate them as barely average according to statistics. I’m not sure of the statistics for other relationships that are not heterosexual. Why the discrepancy? Simple, men have fallen behind on working on egos. To be a master lover requires that men develop the masculine muscle (NO, not that one!) that has learned to read the energy of a partner; to relate on levels that create merging and connection; to become more emotionally intelligent; to surrender your need to perform and just connect. Men need to learn to be conscious, touch with full consciousness, communicate with consciousness while not giving up their magnificent masculine self. Men need to learn to not be genitally focused as much as ‘other’ focused. Can you raise your consciousness to a level that one glance or touch will break them open to their own glory? Can you penetrate not just their genitals, but their heart? Can you master a level of attention that makes loving the highest form of divine connection while merging in waves of pleasure? That, my male tribe friends can be learned. First surrender to the fact that you don’t know everything yet. Be open to learning about your own body and soul and where your own holes are. I promise, it’s a great journey.
There are so many things to do to make your sex life boring. It doesn’t take imagination, heart or inspiration. To really bore your partner, do the same thing every time, in the same place and with no variation. Forget foreplay and while your at it, give your partner little attention throughout the day. And for god’s sake, be quick about it and get it over as fast as you can and then go to sleep.
If boredom is your goal, then don’t do any of the following.
1. The body and skin is so intelligent that it wants variety of touch and attention. Touch every square inch with full attention and love.
2. Treat your partner as the god or goddess they are; respect, attention and lots of loving. Doing acts of service, setting up the room for a special night and consider a bath together.
3. Appreciate your partner.
4. Be creative. Bring on different energies (or archetypes) to the love space. Bring on the wild-man/wild-woman; the playful; the teaser; the sovereign; the daring; the adventurer and explorer; the healer; as well as the romantic.
5. Make yourself entertaining and have fun. Sex doesn’t have to be serious all the time. Laugh your butt off as you play. Learn and discuss new things in your life. A good sex life isn’t just about the sex; it’s about a vibrant life.
6. Share ‘edgy’ fantasies.
7. Get out of the bedroom. Explore different places to make love.
8. Take hours, not minutes. Remember, pleasure does not have any limitations. You can reach pleasurable heights that you’ve never imagined and it will take time.
9. Remember, all of your life together is foreplay. When you get up in the morning; when you are at the office or work, remember to touch in and let your partner know you are thinking of them.
10. Create anticipation. Let your partner know ahead of time that you are planning a special time.
For many, intimacy is a scary thing. ‘Into-me-see’. We seem to have this need to be heard and seen, yet is scares us at the same time. Our communication styles mirrors this dilemma. We may want to connect more profoundly with a friend or our partner, but may not know how; or are afraid to do it. There may be lots of reasons for this but usually at the top of the list is a fear of rejection.
It’s amazing how easy it is to deepen into your intimacy with a partner; or for that matter anyone using simple communication tools. I’m told by other serious blog writers to use a number system…so let’s call this one the 6 levels of communication. The first level is ‘no communication’. That means what it says. You’ve watched those couples at a restaurant who eat silently, both intent on their food and thought.
The second level is a reporting on news, events, or gossip. There is not much of a connection and usually it is to fill in the silence. It also may be an attempt to go deeper, a way to test the waters.
The third level is to speak of opinions and judgments. This is a bit riskier as you are risking rejection if the person you are speaking with has different opinions and judgments. There still is not very much connection though.
The fourth level is ‘feelings’. Now this is a confusing concept for many. When some speak of feelings, they are speaking really about opinions and judgments. i.e. ‘I feel that our government could do a better job at creating a health care system.’ or ‘I feel that so and so is a jerk.’ When I share about feelings, I mean emotional content. i.e. ‘I feel sad that we’ve not had the time to connect that I’ve wanted.’ ‘I am in total joy about how you showed up on our date last night.’ ‘I’m grateful that you are in my life, you mean so much to me.’
The fifth level is more vulnerable feelings and experiences. This level of transparency is frightening for many. What are your deepest truths? What are your withholds? What are you afraid of expressing that you’ve not even wanted to look at yourself? On this level, you are risking it all, being fully transparent. Those who play at this level may also reap the rewards of the most satisfying intimacy and connection.
On the sixth level we have unspeakable unity. Few have ventured into this arena and if so, just for a short time. This level takes practice and is usually done by those who have a meditative practice. On this level, there is so much connection that words may even get in the way, even level 5 communications. There is a One-ness that is experienced where the illusion of separateness is dissolved.
While none are wrong or right, if you want to move deeper into your connection sexually, emotionally, spiritually and physically, keep these practices in mind. And don’t forget to play!
I found myself filled with rage in the last couple of days after hearing the news that someone who is close to me was beaten by police at a gathering. There have been other times in my life when anger, usually at an corporate or political injustice; or sometimes a personal attack or being misunderstood. I’ve recently been very angry at police actions; and corporate greed and betrayals by our own or other corrupt governments. My mind loves to build stories which appear to fuel this anger/rage. Some of you have been angry at a lover for real or perceived mistreatment or a betrayal. I’m learning that to continue to focus on the injustice and perpetuate my own sense of powerlessness (victim) doesn’t help much at all; my anger increases. Ignoring the injustice and swallowing the anger leads to an internalized oppression and depression and then an impotence of action that is paralyzing. What to do? I’m learning to lean into the anger while not denying it without needing to perpetuate more story. My next step is to move transmute it into an energy that is life affirming along with action that I can take.
My actions regarding this young man who has been violated by police is to contact the city council, the police department and make a complaint; get him support through a men’s group in his area; sit in protests myself and do some service in the world. I notice the action I take seems to temper the anger into action that is productive. I get a sense of my own empowerment and it fulfills a need to contribute. I witness genuine compassion arise for self and others.
So, how do you do this in an intimate relationship? Feel the truth of the energy of anger; go towards it without acting out or reacting. Feel it fully. Do some self-care/self-compassion (the action). Set boundaries and find your own core. Evaluate from compassion what further action you must take. Look at your own shadows and life patterns that may be perpetuating the situation.
Intelligence has been defined in different ways, including the abilities for abstract thought, understanding, communication, reasoning, learning, planning, emotional intelligence and problem solving. I’ve been thinking about another kind of intelligence that has little resemblance to the definition that wikipedia offers. It’s not necessarily measured in tests and can not be acquired through books or college degrees. There is a natural intelligence that is in our field all the time. As a amateur farmer/gardener, I see daily a natural intelligence in the land or aina. There is a natural Intelligence that tells a tree to bear or not to bear fruit. For people, we also have an ability to tap into a natural Intelligence, this inner knowing. This Intelligence has something to do with instinct, survival, caring for others and a knowing that there is no such thing as separation. We are all connected and for us to survive we must take care of each other. We are interconnected and what we do to one individual we do to all. In my opinion the highest natural law that we must obey to survive. How can we, as individuals and a single interconnected world entity tap into and recognize this Intelligence?
Now, stay with me a bit further. What are the ingredients of natural Intelligence? It’s in give-away, not accumulating or greed; it’s in service; it’s in Truth seeking, it’s in not buying the stories of who we think we are from the small self, but by living in the Big Self. It’s by taking courageous stands for the perpetuation of Intelligence and ignoring ignorance.
The other intelligence has served us long enough and may indeed be the cause of much of the dysfunction in our world from global warming and corporate greed. The Wall St. and other global protests may be the birth pangs of a newer Intelligence waiting to be recognized. It’s always been there, usually in the eyes of visionaries, Elders and prophets and now it is becoming a tsunami that will awaken the sleeping.
You know, there are Intelligence schools you can go attend. You may not earn a degree that will get you a job that will pay for your home, that will send your kids to the best schools, etc. There is nothing wrong with this intelligence. Brilliant and intelligent people are using good science and technology to create a better planet. And, there is little real security in pursuing that kind of intelligence. You will certainly die along with that intelligence. The Intelligence schools I am aware of will impart Wisdom through listening to nature; through the felt-sense that is in the body. It comes from holding a new born baby; or with love, sitting with another who is suffering. The professors of that school are mostly within your own soul; or in your dreams; or in the eyes of the beggar at your street corner. It comes from someone who loves you enough to challenge your illusions and stories of yourself and others. Intelligence is there when a man or woman that I am working with wakes up to their own wisdom and Truth.
The Truth is that we are beings of extraordinary potential to alter the course of our planet through awakening our natural Intelligence and acting as warriors to what is right. Those who carry that Intelligence are like tuning forks. When their ‘Intelligent’ vibration is on, it will impact the tuning forks of those around them who will begin to naturally vibrate at that same frequency.
Now, let’s go outside and play in the dirt.